Birdemic: Shock and Terror- The Worst Movie Ever

M here.

Oh my god. I told you yesterday that his was the worst movie that wasn't filmed by Michael Bay, but holy shit, I was wrong.

At least Transformers: Age of Extinction has a valid goddamn plot line.

This movies outshines "Troll 2" in every respect. It puts "Plan 9 From Outer Space" and "The Room" to shame. Imagine a movie that would be created solely to give film students a paper topic on how NOT to make movies. Every conceivable error has been made in making "Birdemic." At first, you simply won't be able to believe that the film is not a spoof. But if you read about the film and about Nguyen, and if you take a few moments to watch the additional material on the DVD, you will soon agree that this was just a misguided effort on the entire production team's part.

The sound is the most outstanding example of sheer incompetence. The director clearly understood what Foley is, since the gunshots have all been added post-production, but I guess they just didn't have the time or money to dub the vast majority of the film after shooting. And it needs it. Badly.

The acting is uniformly terrible. Not bad. Terrible. Alan Bragh doesn't even rise to the level of fourth grade pageants. Whitney Moore is cute as a button and is aided by a bit of camel-toe in at least one scene, but she's the best of a poor lot. All the supporting cast is "give your financial backers a small part" bad.

Other unbelievably awful ideas include:

-It takes 45 minutes until the actual plot begins to develop. By this time, the majority of viewers have fallen asleep or have been ravaged to death by killer birds. 

*crickets*

-The birds. What do they do exactly? Nothing. The birds come down and fly directly in front of the victims face. Then they die for reasons only criminally insane director James Nguyen knows. God help us.

-It's like watching a poorly translated foreign film. "I like you and because you are pretty to me" "I thank you this words they make me happy" "Yaaaaaayyy..."

-I'd like to note that this is the most preachy movie ever made. It's like watching a long episode of NOVA, only with worse filming and Whitney Moore cleavage.

-"The Eagles killed our friends."


Thank you for reading my blog, and, as always, every time you see something stupid, comment it and i'll rant on it. Return tomorrow for a rant about middle school.

M out.

March 30th, 2015-- M Vs. The U.S. Clothing Industry

Today, I was informed by one of my female friends (the irony is that i have some, but none will go out with me,) and she told me that she was embarrassed. Naturally, being a good friend, I asked why. She said that she found out yesterday that the only clothes that fit her were in size 18's. She is 16.

So I do some research, and here's what I find out:

Because of our culture, the United States clothing industry has been creating clothes purposely too small. In this way, they can make 14 year old girls look sexually attractive.

However, when mothers go out to buy clothes for their children, they encounter this and respond in one of two ways:

a) "Oh, the companies are always right, so I shouldn't think for myself and just trust them!"

or:

b) "Oh, these clothes don't fit my girl, so she must be fat. Time to get on her about her weight!"

(Also, to those girls who think being skinnier makes guys like you, good guys don't give a flying fuck about your weight.)

When I told my female friend this, she protested that she "likes her clothes."

Uh... what the hell?

I've just given you the reason for your mortification and essentially told you that it isn't your fault. I would expect to at least get some motherfucking gratitude.

Come on, Abercrombie and Fitch. I'm gonna sue you for not letting me get laid.

M out.

Look tomorrow for a post on the movie "Bird-demic," possibly the worst film not directed by Michael Bay.

March 29th, 2015-- What's with all those chickens?

M here.

So I thought that for my very first post, I could hit something easily made fun of-- the hipster capital of the world- sorry, Portland. More specifically, their pink chicken problem. Yes, Pink chicken problem.

So, basically, here's what went down:

- One dumb shit in Portland decides he's going to take all of his neighbors chickens and do something crazy.

- He takes these chickens, and covers them in fucking Kool-Aid and beet juice and turns them pink. Yes. Pink.

- Animal Services billed Whitman about $16 per bird for their time in custody, and cautioned him about the risks of releasing birds in public places. He says he probably won't do it again — but he and the birds have now been invited to a couple of parades.

They.
Invited.
Him.
To.
A.
Goddamn.
Parade.

Ah, Portland. The only city in the U.S.A. (sorry, New Jersey and Detroit,) where you get invited to parades after vandalizing your neighbor's property.

There, I'm done. For now.

Read the story here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/03/28/pink-chickens-oregon_n_6960760.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news

M out.