Students in New Mexico and My Rage

M here.

As I write this, I am sitting next to quite possibly the only two intelligent people in this class.

For me, education is not an option. So when I see people on their phones or talking in any class, I become royally pissed off. So I decided to begin to actively list the dumbest things that they've said. As the year draws to a close, I believe it is time to rip them.

Why don't we start with a boy named Julian. BUT NO- YOU HAVE TO PRONOUNCE HIS NAME HOO-LEE-ON, BECAUSE FUCK LOGIC!

Most recently, he couldn't name the main cause of the Civil War. We had been talking about slavery for the past two weeks. He also can't:

-Support his logic with anything other than "because."
-Call the teacher anything except "mister." You know who's a mister? Your mother.

There's another kid in our class named Memo. His real name is actually nice, but no, he has to be called by the name of a retarded office document. His hair makes him look like a cabbage patch kid.

There are the girls in our class who just sit around here, almost 50 pounds overweight, and stupid as fuck. They use words like "crusty" to describe cool things. Erm...

On a completely unrelated topic, 46% of New Mexican adults read at a 6th grade level.

M out. 

May 11, 2015- Alternate Universe Day! Sarah Palin, P.O.T.U.S.

M here.

So in my quest to piss off "everyone in the known universe" (quote from one of my friends) I'm gonna do Alternate Universe day once a week. We will explore what would have happened if something had been changed in our history.

TODAY'S AU: SARAH PALIN AS PRESIDENT

The year is 2015. Most of the southwest has been turned into an enormous nuke factory on the assumption that the only thing that stops Russia with a nuke is the U.S. with a nuke. Poverty has been completely abolished because it is now illegal to be poor. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin sits on a throne of human skulls inside of a Pottery Barn, laughing over her kingdom. Children are taught that Palin created the universe in 7 days, that she has eradicated communism with her mighty sword. They are taught that the democrats want to overthrow the New World Order and that Sarah Palin is gloriously fighting them. Fox News owns 45% of the planet. All states of the union have been renamed "New Texas." All libraries have been renamed the Fossil Fuels are Great International Library.

Oh god, I scare myself sometimes.

Either way, I happen to have found that writing AU's is fun. So I think I'll write some more.

M out.

Conservative Logic

M here.

I thought I'd do a quick post on Republican and conservative logic. Seeing as this is the next logical stepping stone in my quest to piss off everyone, one person at a time (don't worry, I'm not gonna go after the Westboro Baptist Church yet.) So, on to the funny content.

Let's be honest, if Jesus had been born in this century, Fox News would probably label him a dangerous ISIS member who wants to impose socialism on the planet.

And some people would believe them.

(Also, who do you think you're kidding with those "Stop-Public-TV-From-Banning-Us" commercials, Fox News? Public TV is watched by vastly by children and socioeconomically disadvantaged people. Which you and all your conservative homies hate. So shut the fuck up.)

Also, the logic behind the money. All it is is basically:

So... giving money to the rich didn't work too well, so...
we have to give more money to the rich.

The last thing I'd like to point out is this: the conservatives were pretty fucking hacked when they found out about the whole drone thing.

but...

you want every man to have "the right to bear arms." So what you're telling me is this:
"We're not safe when every man has the right to play judge, jury and executioner with a drone, but it's perfectly safe with a gun!"

Allow me to point you to a shocking statistic.

Drone Kills of U.S. citizens per year: >1
Gun Kills of U.S. citizens per year: 67% of all homicides per year.

M out. 

Mormonism: How to Piss People Off in A Nutshell

M here.

Mormonism is a tricky subject to talk about, because people tend to act like total pussies whenever they hear the word "Mormon". However, I'm not like that, and so forgive me if I dive into the issue without giving a fuck on what other people think. So, what's the big deal about the Mormons?

How about we start with how they got started:

"In the spring of 1820, a 14-year-old boy named Joseph Smith went into a grove of trees near his home in Palmyra, New York, and prayed to learn which church he should join. In answer to his prayer, God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, appeared to him, just as heavenly beings had appeared to prophets like Moses and Paul in biblical times. Joseph learned that the Church originally organized by Jesus Christ during His mortal ministry was no longer on the earth. next 10 years, Joseph was visited by other heavenly messengers, translated the Book of Mormon by the gift and power of God, and received authority to organize the Church. The Church was organized in Fayette, New York, on 6 April 1830, under the leadership of Joseph Smith. It has grown to an organization with members and congregations throughout the world."

TL;DR: Joseph Smith went to a church to find out where he should join and found out that joining an existing church was a really bad idea so he found some tablets and created his own motherfucking church.

There are a couple of things wrong with this little story. One: The Book of Mormon was only visible and readable to Joseph Smith. Just like the magical angels who told him that the current church sucked ass. A little weird. Two: Joseph Smith created a church so that he could have control and authority granted to him by God. That's pretty much the definition of a cult.

So why does everybody hate the Mormons? Because one of their older principles is the leaders get to have harems.

Harems.

You know who created this harem rule? God, according to Joseph Smith. But forgive me if I don't think God would want us to not be faithful to one motherfucking person.

M out.

 

Birdemic: Shock and Terror- The Worst Movie Ever

M here.

Oh my god. I told you yesterday that his was the worst movie that wasn't filmed by Michael Bay, but holy shit, I was wrong.

At least Transformers: Age of Extinction has a valid goddamn plot line.

This movies outshines "Troll 2" in every respect. It puts "Plan 9 From Outer Space" and "The Room" to shame. Imagine a movie that would be created solely to give film students a paper topic on how NOT to make movies. Every conceivable error has been made in making "Birdemic." At first, you simply won't be able to believe that the film is not a spoof. But if you read about the film and about Nguyen, and if you take a few moments to watch the additional material on the DVD, you will soon agree that this was just a misguided effort on the entire production team's part.

The sound is the most outstanding example of sheer incompetence. The director clearly understood what Foley is, since the gunshots have all been added post-production, but I guess they just didn't have the time or money to dub the vast majority of the film after shooting. And it needs it. Badly.

The acting is uniformly terrible. Not bad. Terrible. Alan Bragh doesn't even rise to the level of fourth grade pageants. Whitney Moore is cute as a button and is aided by a bit of camel-toe in at least one scene, but she's the best of a poor lot. All the supporting cast is "give your financial backers a small part" bad.

Other unbelievably awful ideas include:

-It takes 45 minutes until the actual plot begins to develop. By this time, the majority of viewers have fallen asleep or have been ravaged to death by killer birds. 

*crickets*

-The birds. What do they do exactly? Nothing. The birds come down and fly directly in front of the victims face. Then they die for reasons only criminally insane director James Nguyen knows. God help us.

-It's like watching a poorly translated foreign film. "I like you and because you are pretty to me" "I thank you this words they make me happy" "Yaaaaaayyy..."

-I'd like to note that this is the most preachy movie ever made. It's like watching a long episode of NOVA, only with worse filming and Whitney Moore cleavage.

-"The Eagles killed our friends."


Thank you for reading my blog, and, as always, every time you see something stupid, comment it and i'll rant on it. Return tomorrow for a rant about middle school.

M out.

March 30th, 2015-- M Vs. The U.S. Clothing Industry

Today, I was informed by one of my female friends (the irony is that i have some, but none will go out with me,) and she told me that she was embarrassed. Naturally, being a good friend, I asked why. She said that she found out yesterday that the only clothes that fit her were in size 18's. She is 16.

So I do some research, and here's what I find out:

Because of our culture, the United States clothing industry has been creating clothes purposely too small. In this way, they can make 14 year old girls look sexually attractive.

However, when mothers go out to buy clothes for their children, they encounter this and respond in one of two ways:

a) "Oh, the companies are always right, so I shouldn't think for myself and just trust them!"

or:

b) "Oh, these clothes don't fit my girl, so she must be fat. Time to get on her about her weight!"

(Also, to those girls who think being skinnier makes guys like you, good guys don't give a flying fuck about your weight.)

When I told my female friend this, she protested that she "likes her clothes."

Uh... what the hell?

I've just given you the reason for your mortification and essentially told you that it isn't your fault. I would expect to at least get some motherfucking gratitude.

Come on, Abercrombie and Fitch. I'm gonna sue you for not letting me get laid.

M out.

Look tomorrow for a post on the movie "Bird-demic," possibly the worst film not directed by Michael Bay.

March 29th, 2015-- What's with all those chickens?

M here.

So I thought that for my very first post, I could hit something easily made fun of-- the hipster capital of the world- sorry, Portland. More specifically, their pink chicken problem. Yes, Pink chicken problem.

So, basically, here's what went down:

- One dumb shit in Portland decides he's going to take all of his neighbors chickens and do something crazy.

- He takes these chickens, and covers them in fucking Kool-Aid and beet juice and turns them pink. Yes. Pink.

- Animal Services billed Whitman about $16 per bird for their time in custody, and cautioned him about the risks of releasing birds in public places. He says he probably won't do it again — but he and the birds have now been invited to a couple of parades.

They.
Invited.
Him.
To.
A.
Goddamn.
Parade.

Ah, Portland. The only city in the U.S.A. (sorry, New Jersey and Detroit,) where you get invited to parades after vandalizing your neighbor's property.

There, I'm done. For now.

Read the story here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/03/28/pink-chickens-oregon_n_6960760.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news

M out.